Santa's Got a Brand New Bag!!!

Merry Christmas to all!

And to all a good night!

Thank you KimBe photography for capturing our little man in all of his bitty baby glory!

Hands Down, the Best Experience of My Life

Our sweet baby boy made his big debut on Wednesday, December 2nd at 1:22 PM. Julian Charles Sirmans. My son. My very own baby. I am his mother. I am a mother. Stace is his father. Stace is a father. We are parents. Stace and Kim. I can't believe it.

Today as I sat holding him, kissing him, and reading Beatrix Potter's The Tale of the Flopsy Bunnies to him, it hit me more powerfully than it has in these first two weeks of his life: I am all he has. Stace and I are. We are his stewards. I cried as I kissed the top of his head and promised him that I would try my best to be a good mommy to him. He needs me to be. We are who he will look to when lessons must be taught. Lessons of God's love, His peace, of who Jesus is and what He means to the world and to him, little Julian, individually. We are who he will depend on when he needs someone to comfort him, to teach him, to support him, to believe in him. We are his parents. Parents. It's an amazing word that now has taken on the most daunting and beautiful new meaning.

I was talking with my visiting teacher (translation: a friend who regularly checks in on me to see how I'm doing) about two months before Julian was born. She inquired about Stace and I's infertility issues. As our conversation progressed, she said so sweetly, and so matter-of-factly: "obviously there is a reason Heavenly Father wants you to be parents right now." That's so true. It must be true! This child, is, after all, a blessing from Him. How come I didn't think of it that way before? And furthermore, and everlastingly more important...why? Why does he want us to be parents right now? I know the answer to this question will unfold itself to us every day for the next 18 years and beyond. But that the Lord has placed His trust in us to care for this, His sweet child, is daunting and beautiful and humbling and exciting. How to do it? How to do it? There are so many theories and methods on parenting out there-- I've already become overwhelmed with the amount of literature there is to choose from. And yet, only as I type this...does it all seem so clear. I want to raise this baby boy the way Heavenly Father would have me raise him. I want to be the mother the Lord would have me be. Where better to turn than to the guidance of His Spirit? What better literature to look to than to the Words of Him who is perfect? There is no better place. There is no better option. There is no better parent than Him. Sorry Dr. Ezzo, Dr. Ferber, Dr. Sears. (That doesn't mean I won't read parenting books...it just means that nothing is better than what I already have-- something I don't have to order on Amazon.com.)

So, onto the birth experience, I suppose! Brace yourself...I am somehow able to drag this story out, when in fact, I had a relatively short labor. Perhaps because it was hands down, the best experience of my life. So amazing, in fact, that afterward, I was ready to do it again! ha! Is it crazy that I was already wanting another one minutes after he arrived? Probably.

Let's see. Well I went to the doctor's for my 39 week checkup on Tuesday, December 1st and was told for the third week in a row that I was a mere 1 centimeter dilated and 50% effaced. Bummer. My midwife (LOVE HER!) did say, though "you know, I've told people that they had your progress and then that night they go into labor, but more often than not, it's a couple weeks later." Bummer. That night I went about my business, having no expectations for baby any time soon. I even went and picked up Stace's other baby while he was in class, and then went to pick him up. I had a primary presidency meeting, and then tithing settlement. Afterward we set the TV up and watched a movie. We went to bed at about 1:30. Earlier that day I told Stace "I need to make sure I am getting a good night's rest each night because today I read that fatigue is your worst enemy when in labor." Well, 3:30 AM rolled around and I woke up with what can only be described as the worst menstrual cramps combined with the worst...um...diarrhea cramps EVER! (TMI? sorry about that...) I wondered if this was it. But then I remembered what I had also read the day before: "if you have to wonder 'is this it?' then it's not it!" "Oooohhh...but how could this NOT be it?" I wondered.

I tried not to wake Stace for as long as I could. If this was it, there was no sense in us both having only two hours of sleep. I got in the hot bath for an hour and that DID indeed help! After an hour though, the pain came back much worse than even before. I got out of the tub. I lied down in bed again and curled up in a ball at 5:30, hoping it would go away. Nope. It was not going away! As I got out of bed, needing to change positions again I told Stace "I think this might be it." He came and talked to me and at 6:30 I could tell he was definitely thinking it was "it." He grabbed the stopwatch we bought at Target a few days earlier to time my contractions. These pains, (contractions?) were already every three to five minutes? I thought I was supposed to labor at home for a long time, then they would be five minutes apart, and then we would go to the hospital. Stace became pretty urgent when he saw how much pain I was in and that the contractions were so close together. I was running around trying to tidy up as best I could-- I wanted so bad for everything to be perfect when we came home; I'd become obsessive in the weeks leading up to December. Of course the day before I had let it go a bit because I thought he surely wasn't coming. Stace told me I needed to get dressed, to eat, we needed to go!

So we got in the car at 7:30 and they checked me out at the hospital. I was 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced. Well, that was fast after three weeks of only being 1 cm! The doctor told us "well, this thing might fizzle out...I don't think it will, but it might. So why dont you walk around for an hour and let nature take it's course and we'll check you again?" So Stace and I walked the halls of Labor and Delivery for one excruciating hour as my poor husband supported my aching body each time a contraction came. He would stand behind me and wrap his arms around my lower belly and apply pressure. It brought much needed relief. I kept saying "if this is it, I can't believe it. But if this isn't it, I don't know what is!" They checked me again an hour later and I was 4 cm dilated! "We're going to have this baby today!" said the nurse. I cried. "I am going to have a baby today?"

At 10:30 I got my laboring room and I immediately wanted to get into the bath. It helped so much. I am such a HUGE fan of baths anyway, but the heat helped so much. Stace rolled in a stool and turned off the light and we proceeded to watch "Enchanted" on the laptop. I felt it would be a good "escape" movie. I was right for a while, but then the pain came back with a vengeance. I needed to switch positions. So I got out and labored in any and every position I could manage to make my body move into. (Good NIGHT I do NOT recommend lying on your back!) I ended up being on my knees on the bed for a while with my arms over the headboard of the bed. Stace continued to apply pressure to my tummy and the midwife applied pressure to my lower back. At one point when she put her fist to my back, it almost felt like she punched my water out! I heard that some women are unsure as to whether or not their water has broken when it does because it can be a slow, steady trickle. But when mine broke I exclaimed "whoa! THAT was my water!" It was like a giant water balloon exploded inside of me. I cried. The nurse and the midwife assured me "it's okay! It means that everything is moving along well!" I cried and I prayed aloud. I told Heavenly Father I needed Him and that I couldn't do it without Him. I had no idea whether or not I was coherent, nor did I care in the slightest. I asked Stace days after we came home from the hospital if he knew I was praying and he said yes. Definitely wasn't praying in my closet in those moments. Perhaps the whole floor heard? Hmm...oops.

All of a sudden the midwife was calling for a table and had her hospital cap and gown on. She urged me to get on my side and joked that we were going to have this baby on all fours if I didn't. I told her I couldn't move. But she and the other nurse and Stace were seriously my dream team. They were sooooo encouraging. The midwife told me before we really got going that I was lucky because I got the best nurse in the whole hospital. By the end of the experience, she would not have had to tell me that, and I would have known it. She was so compassionate and loving, and yet was an absolute DRILL SERGEANT when I needed her to be while I was pushing. I was shocked that I hadn't broken her hand with my left hand and Stace's hand with my right. I wanted to kiss those ladies after we were done. They had helped me so much. I knew to them it was just another day on the job, but they were present and such a huge part of the most sacred and emotionally and physically taxing experience of my life. Did they know how much their help meant to me? I tried to tell them. They were angels in my life that day. I am going to tell them again...

They were all telling me what was happening each step of the way, and once Julian's head had come through I looked at Stace and he had the most amazing smile on his face of sheer joy and excitement. It was exactly what I needed, that final "umph" of motivation, to give the final push and to see my baby for myself. And so I gave it my all and there he was! They placed him on my chest immediately and when they did, he stopped crying. I just kept saying "my sweet baby" over and over again. I was holding my sweet baby! And yes, in those moments after he came as I held him for the first time in my arms, the memory of the pain was gone. "That wasn't so bad!" I thought..."let's do it again!" But in actuality, I know I had never experienced pain like it before in my life.

What more can I say? It was amazing.