A letter to my sweet boy at 3 years, 9 months.

My sweet boy.

I sit here tonight after having prepared the house for dinner guests tomorrow after church. As I wiped counters and marks off the walls made, no doubt, by your sticky, perfect, soft little fingers, my mind replayed the conversations I had with you on this day.  From sun-up to sundown, you made me smile with your adorable, off-the-wall thoughts and hilarious imagination. From dawn until dusk, you managed to test my patience while simultaneously expanding my heart. In fact, you've mastered that art at your ripe old age.  And my love for you seems as though it never stops intensifying, though I never thought I could love you more than I did when I first met you, then a year later, then two, then three, then last month and last week. But you and your sister are the reason I completely understand what Elder Paul E. Kolicker meant when he said "there is seemingly no end to the expansive capacity to love."

I tell you this, and I want you to know from the depths of my soul that it's true: I love everything about you. In expounding on this, I don't even know where to begin. How can there be so many facets to one tiny little person? I will start with what what is easily noticeable to the eye.  Well, first off...you are just so cherubic. You have changed so much since you quickly became my chubby little infant, but perhaps the only thing which is still distinctly the same are your spectacularly soft, chubby cheeks: kissing them today feels incredibly reminiscent of what it felt like when you were my tiny, tubby 2-month old. Perhaps this has been God's gift to me and my ever-aching heart at how rapidly the time has gone.

Sometimes when you smile for the camera, all the person who is blessed to behold that sunshine can see is your bottom row of teeth. It melts my heart, that smile. Your eyes are big and blue, and I LOVE the way they get wider with excitement or when given new information, which seemingly melts into the rest of your face, millisecond by millisecond, until a giant smile spreads across it...usually including that top row of teeth.  You have these signature feet which we have lovingly coined "brick feet." But boy, they take you places. You love to be fast, to be the winner, to race. And race you do with this little brick feet. Your hair is PERFECT. You have such enviable blonde, thick locks. I like to keep it long because it is truly gorgeous. It is so you. Your hands are so soft, and even though you are a boy, and you do indeed love to play rough (especially with Daddy), you are often very gentle with them. You sometimes will caress my cheek, look into my eyes, and say "you are so beautiful, Mama", or "I love you so much, Mama."  But let's not forget those "off-the-wall" comments I referred to earlier: today you caressed my cheek gently and said "Mama...."as I waited for the usual sweet comment that comes after this happens, you smiled sweetly and said so sincerely "you're a good fighter."  Well, in your world, I suppose that is one of the best compliments one could receive. So I thanked you genuinely.  That is not something I have ever been told:)

I could go on and on here. From the dimples in your elbows to your tiny little shoulders,  to your skin which always feels so perfectly soft, to the little legs that still curl up on my lap as you enjoy the comfort of me rocking you, or pretend to be my little baby, I really do love everything about you. Sometimes I feel my heart may burst, and I thank God when I take a moment to appreciate this tiny miracle God gave me when he blessed me with you. 

You are kind. You love to be a good boy and you love to be told you are.  You are good at sharing with your sister, and you are good when I ask you to set a good example for her. You love to snuggle.  At night, you beg us to stay with you after stories, prayers, and songs and to be "snuggle buddies." When we get up to leave, you hate it. The last two nights you have been pleadingly told me with a lump in your throat as I can almost hear the tears beginning to well in your eyes, "I don't want to sleep alone." My heart broke when I had to respond to you in a way that didn't allow you to come to my bed. I desperately searched for an adequate solution to your problem and said "you have your stuffed animals right here to keep you safe." Then the lump in your throat grew noticeably larger as you replied "but they don't talk back."What a sweet, tender, innocent heart you have.

You are a GOOFBALL. Seriously. A certifiably crazy, silly-goose!  You love to play pretend, especially good guys and bad guys. The bad guys always put the good guys in jail. (I should probably work on reminding you that the real people who put people in jail are actually the good guys.:)  You've never been one to be at a loss for words...whether they be real or made-up! You are constantly making up words all the livelong day. You do it so naturally and in everyday conversation.  Just today you said a "gaystensosh" is a person who can get out of jail. You made it up off the top of your head and, as always, were so certain in the validity of your statement using your own personal vocabulary. You love to be a gentlemen and insist on being the one who opens doors for others. Tonight for dinner, I asked you what you would like to drink. You replied sweetly "apple juice, please." I told you I didn't have that, but offered purple juice (Mio+water) instead, and you seemed delighted and said "yes ma'am, yes please." Daddy and I were so proud.

You are fascinated by outer space, dinosaurs, and volcanoes.  Today Daddy took us all on an outing to pick up some books on the subjects.  We sat in the aisle and read and read that National Geographic Volcanoes book meant for kids much older than you. You found a comfy spot on my lap and listened, asked lots of questions, and were so engaged. And when you did walk away a couple times tending to Ella Grace, you'd come right back and insist we pick up right back where we left off. You also requested that we go back to Hawaii so that we can see the volcano we saw a few months ago to see if it is "done cooking." (When you saw the smoke coming out of the volcano in Hawaii without any lava, you assumed it was just cooking.) You love to talk about how volcanoes "exploge." :)

 

You have a shining personality, and as a Primary teacher put it last week, you're never gonna be the 3-year-old kid who sits quietly in his seat and rarely talks during his entire primary class. That's not you, and I am learning to embrace that:). You like to be sly, but you always love most to be caught being good. You are incredibly strong-willed, and I hope you never lose that streak inside of you, and that you use it as a force for good that will guide and shape your life.

To be completely honest, sometimes I feel so exasperated because I don't know how to respond many times to your actions and reactions. You are often so very particular in the way things need to be done, and in your desire to do everything in a certain way, and you (and your sister) and so stubborn! I'm told this is common 3-year-old behavior, but sometimes I do feel like the only mom whose child is like this to this degree.  Last week you had a complete meltdown at your first soccer game...not exactly the joy and hilarity-filled experience Daddy and I had envisioned. I almost had to drag you back to the car wailing.  You had no interest in playing soccer in 100 degree weather with 1,000% humidity. It seemed to me like the other kids were fine, but when I think about it...you don't like to be too hot (or too cold)...no wonder. (Although you have loved going to practice...again, I'm at a loss.) You also seemed to get overwhelmed when you saw Daddy and I's eyes on you and us cheering you on. Maybe you felt too much pressure? I don't know, but either way...I had no idea how to encourage you to play and then respond to your defiance against doing so, while you also requested treats. Ah! This parenting thing is so hard! And I cringe to think about what people tell me when they say "it only gets harder" or when I look at the rapidly decaying moral state of the society wherein I am raising you.

Your world right now is so filled with joy and wonder. People are good, everyone is your friend, and that's all you know. One day you'll grow up and will be faced with challenges, temptations, and adversities, and I know I won't always be able to jump in and redirect your attention, or kiss the boo boos away so completely as you believe I do now. So I want you to make me a promise. I will do my best to help you keep it by teaching you now and continually as you grow to try to make good choices and the importance of doing so. But we all stumble and, if we are smart, we pick ourselves back up, learn from our mistakes, and move on even stronger. But perhaps most importantly, we don't let those stumbling moments define us.

The adversary wants us all to believe that the mistakes we make are just a part of who we are, that we can't fully overcome our shortcomings, and that we will always fall short of the mark. He wants us to feel that the Atonement of Jesus Christ, even if we do believe in it, couldn't possibly apply so fully to us as it may to other people...because we are just never going to be good enough. I want you to know, my sweet son, that there could be nothing further from the truth. You are a child of God with infinite worth and the capacity to do so much good in this world. Your potential is limitless. Your future is bright, and with faith and hard work, you can achieve, overcome, and conquer anything that lies in your path.  God sent you to this earth with all the tools you will need in order to make it back to him. He sent you here with all the confidence in the world that you can and will be able to do all that He has and will ask of you.

I love your Daddy with all that I am, and he loves me in return just as much. We are each others best friends and biggest fans. He is good. He is a good man. Listen to him, learn from him.  Honor the priesthood you will one day hold the way that he does. Make preparing to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple your priority. Go on a mission and serve faithfully, with "strict obedience" as Daddy was counseled to do, and as he did, on his mission. Don't waste your time dating girls who do not encourage and help you to make good choices. Marry someone who will sustain you, uplift you, inspire you to be better, and who has high moral, educational, and spiritual standards of her own.  Marry someone who will listen to you and put your wishes above her own, and you better do the same for her. Marry someone with the light of Christ inside of her, and who has an eternal and optimistic perspective. Be good to her: she will need and deserve your shoulders and love to lean on. She will be a blessing to your children and to you.  Live up to your privileges, and as Joseph Smith said, "the angels will not be restrained from being your associates." I can assure you that angels are among us, and that you will feel the peaceful, happy influence of the Spirit of the Lord in your life as you make decisions you know that your Father in Heaven would be proud of.  That feeling is the feeling of true, everlasting happiness, and it is the best feeling in the world.  It is the feeling Lehi had when he partook of the fruit of the tree in his "Vision of the Tree of Life", which has always been your favorite story in the scriptures.  Even tonight, you insisted on it, just as you have quite regularly for over a year now...we're gonna have to really step it up as parents to teach you other scripture stories...there are lots of good ones, you know:)

I love you so much, my sweet boy. I am so grateful and honored to be your mother.  You are destined to do great things. This is a belief that I and others in our family have felt strongly from the beginning. When they first placed you in my arms immediately after you were born, I felt a strong sense that this precious child that I had prayed for would grow to be someone so very sweet and loving and kind, but that you also would be very much your own person. Those were the thoughts God placed in my mind, verbatim. So far that has been so very true. You are your own person with your own strong opinions and loving heart, and you are so incredibly special to me.  Promise me you will remember these things, and will live your life accordingly.  Promise me you will try your best. I promise you I will do the same. I love you forever.

Love,
Mommy