Is the Grass Greener on Your Side or Mine? Let's Google It!

If I can't find out from Google, then surely Facebook or Blogger will provide me with the answers.

Wait, what?!

A while ago I was talking to a friend who expressed to me her dissatisfaction with her situation in life. Her relationship with her husband, the amount of money they have, the home they live in, her own self image, etc. I love this friend dearly and I see so much potential in her to become everything she wants to become (especially in an eternal perspective). She is one of the most genuinely kind people I know. She studies the scriptures. She says her prayers. Her desire to do good and what is best for her family is what drives her. She is selfless, giving and honest. She would never hurt a fly, physically or emotionally (think "poor little fly! you don't have to shoo away...I don't want to hurt your feelings" kind of nice). She is a rockstar.

So imagine my sadness when she expressed to me that she felt that she and her family just aren't measuring up. As the discussion progressed, the conversation turned to something along the lines of "well, so and so has this," and "so and so does this," and "so and so & so and so seem to just have the perfect marriage!"

"But wait...do you even really know these people?" I asked. "well, no..." she responded....

Yep.

She was gleaning all of the information about the Jones' from...duh dun nuh nuh! You guessed it...the internet!

We then had a good conversation about how people usually don't post about the really bad days in life, and they usually don't post pictures of their trials & their struggles. I have a friend teaching abroad in Korea right now and a few weeks ago she posted a sweet compliment on my Facebook wall that I always seem so "put together"...I laughed and told her I really had my friend in Korea fooled, and that I don't post the pictures of me in my scrubs next to my pile(s) of laundry. So first of all, I would just like to apologize if the pictures I post lead people to believe that I always have it "together." Let's be real here.

I told her to take for a moment and imagine the most seemingly "perfect" person she knows. I told her even the most "perfect" person you can imagine has some really off days...maybe even a lot of really off days. I'm thinking of a person in my head now who I look up to more than most anyone and who I would love to grow up and be like, and she is amazing! But I know, because I actually know her, that she definitely has her days when her house is disheveled, her dishes are piled up, her claws come out (she can be pretty feisty!), and she hasn't brushed her teeth by the time her kids come home from school. But she tries to be a good person and that is exactly what she is.

I told my friend that maybe one of the reasons the prophet & apostles have counseled us to limit our internet usage, among others, is because of the effect comparing our lives to others can have on our own self image and happiness. And how was she comparing? Through pictures that are posted. Not the pictures that aren't posted.

This all went down a pretty long time ago, so why am I just posting about it now? I was thinking about it again today, but in kind of a different context. I was at JoAnn Fabrics. (All of my brilliant thoughts come to me at JoAnn's. Ha! Just kidding! I never go there. Oh wait. Maybe I should go there more...?) I was looking at the holiday decorations they have displayed. Every time I see holiday decorations, I am reminded of the fact that I cannot, for the life of me, decide on my decorating style. It's so frustrating! I used to take pride in what I thought was pretty good taste and sense when it comes to decor. I even started out my college career as an interior design major. But now, I think I've just become so overwhelmed with my options because of all the endless resources at my fingertips for design tips, ideas, and inspiration, that all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say "I don't know anymore!" I have beautiful photos to display that we have had taken of our family since Julian was born, and free canvases to get them printed on, but I can't decide which ones to hang! So our walls remain devoid of family pictures. Isn't that pathetic? Ugh.

But I realized there's a deeper meaning behind my indecisiveness (not necessarily applicable to you if you have the same problem!). I realized that if I'm constantly not making decisions or second guessing the decisions I do make because of the incessant worry "what if there is something better out there?" then I will never, ever ever be happy with my choices. My walls will continually remain bare, and my house will never, ever be festive. How lame.

So what did I do when I returned home from JoAnn's and got Julian down for a nap? I did what any person who is annoyed with the internet would do! I googled a version of the thought that came to me while at the fabric store. And I found an interesting article on it that had my thoughts exactly. I took some of my favorite gems:

“And while this sounds like a great thing” (the opportunities of the internet), “it’s also presented us with more potential for unhappiness and regret than ever before. I’m seeing it in my clients, my friends and family, and I’ve spotted it in myself too. Because we’re so much more aware of the infinite possibilities for places to live, things to see and do, different kinds of work to engage in, different ways to make money…we’ve gotten into the habit of wondering all the time if there’s something more, better, or even just different that we’re missing out on.

This isn’t just my observation. Research into happiness has shown that increased choices often leads to increased dissatisfaction. When participants were given the opportunity to choose their favorite painting, poster or photo in a variety of different studies, the participants who were told that they could change their decisions were less satisfied with the choice they had made than the participants who were told that they had to stick with their choice once it was made.

I’m not proposing we should limit our choices! I’m all for helping people to identify opportunities and see more options available to them for changing their lives…What I’m suggesting is that we can learn to have the diverse choices and opportunities available to us AND feel happy with what we have right now.

Most people think that our happiness is caused or limited by the circumstances around us. Sure our circumstances are triggers for happiness or unhappiness, but you always have the choice about how you feel in response to what’s going on around you. Nazi death camp survivor, Viktor Frankl, said, “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.”

You’ll never be happy with your own life if you’re comparing yourself to other people.

Gratitude isn’t just a feeling, it’s a practice. When you’re feeling grateful, it’s because you’re noticing what you have in your life that you love, and that makes you feel loved. Most of us think that gratitude, happiness, peace and all the other wonderful things we want to feel just happen to us, but that’s not the case. Our feelings are always a result of our thoughts."

So, what do I need to take away from this? That I can choose a certain style of decor and just go with it and be happy! And that spills over to deciding which pictures to hang, and lots of other choices! And we all need to remember that the grass is truly probably greenest on our own side of the fence because we each have been given innumerable blessings, tailored specifically to us by a loving Heavenly Father. There's no way any of us could count all of our blessings. (Though we should still try!) 

And then put a lid on it.