It happened last week at the pool: he was trying to tell a little girl (probably six-years-old) that he liked her boogie board, but she just kept walking. He said it again louder, and she walked away faster. It happened with our neighbor kid when he asked him about his skateboard. Nothing. No response. (Oh wait, actually there was a "whatever.") It happened last week at the park when he was wanting to play with some girls who were around his girl cousins' ages. Skateboard neighbor, boogie board and park girls were older, but this also happens with kids who are around his same age. For the longest time, I have just tried to reassure him "oh, he/she didn't hear you," half hoping it was true, and half just trying to prevent his little feelings from potentially being hurt. Well, today when it happened and I said that, he said "oh! ok!" and then he ran to the little boy he was trying to talk to and touched his shoulder and again introduced himself, but again, got no response. Guys, I'm about to cry just typing this. I know I'm probably way over-sensitive/ -protective of my little guy's feelings, but I'm at a loss here. It's not like I can or would say "just don't be so friendly, Julian." But I don't want his feelings to get hurt all the time. I'm not sure if we've gotten to the point yet of hurt feelings, because he seems to move past these episodes with ease, but he just goes onto play by himself or ask me to play with him.
I'm worried because three of his best little boy buds are moving in the next couple weeks, and I want him to be able to make new friends. I know there's lots of sweet boys in my church's congregation that he can be friends with. I'm really talking about random kids we meet at the park, pool, etc. I know kids have to deal with ups and downs and that some might say "this is just part of growing up" but it's really, really hard to watch and if there's something I can do/say to help, I definitely want to do it. Is this normal? Has this happened consistently to your child or a child you know?
Now, of course Julian is not without his faults in friendship! He has his fair share of trouble being bossy, sharing, and doing things that annoy his peers. According to Web MD: "Kids learn how to share, compromise, and work through misunderstandings with their friends." And he's definitely got LOTS to learn! But in this one aspect, I am struggling for the right words to say or in knowing the right things to do in predicaments like those I listed above. Any light you might be able to shed on the situation would be greatly appreciated:)
5 comments:
This is such a hard topic..... The same thing has happened to James, normally with older kids, and it breaks my heart every time. It seems like the big kids don't want to play with a younger kid. There have even been groups of kids who have teased him that he's younger. If I hear it I stick up for him. I want him to know teasing others is not okay and if someone is doing it you tell them to stop no matter who they are teasing. I've also tried to explain to older kids that he just wants to be included in whatever game they are playing. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. If the kids don't want to play I try and explain to James that sometimes kids want to play by themselves and have a break or they may be nervous about making a new friend and they need some more time. He only seems to get his feelings hurt when he is directly teased. He was actually bullied by 2 boys in his class on Sunday. It broke my heart and made me mad all at the same time. I told the boys to stop twice and then split them up when they continued. Maybe I'm too aggressive but I am a mama lion and I will roar! Sorry I don't have much advice but I'm always hear if you need to talk!
Also I should add that I think it stinks that any child goes through this. Kids should just learn to play with each other! I really think honesty is the best policy so if he asks you why a kid doesn't want to play with him just explain that they aren't being very nice. It's good for him to learn that behavior like that isn't okay instead of trying to make an excuse for the kid. Also try to remember that a kid not wanting to play with Julian is no reflection on him but is on that child who is being a stinker!
Riker had something similar happen to him with a neighbor after we moved here. The boy is about 3 years older than Riker but asked him to come play with him. After a month or so of playing together (the boy is only there every other weekend) when Riker would go over and ask if he wanted to play the boy would say yes, but then totally exclude him from his game. He usually has a friend over every time Riker goes over to ask. I remember sitting in a bedroom of our house looking out the window and watching Riker walk away from the boys with his head down. It was so sad and I was mad. Riker's feelings were so hurt, the boy had told him they didn't want to play with him. I explained that sometimes kids want to play with other kids their own age. Riker was confused because in the beginning the boy had asked him to play first. I told him we weren't going to ask him to play anymore. Riker spent a day or so watching the 2 boys play and I could tell his feelings were so hurt, it made me so sad for him. Eventually he said "Mom they're jerks." I had a hard time trying to explain or comfort him in the situation. I feel like sometimes it good for kids to realize people aren't always nice, and other kids don't always care about your feelings. It's gives them the tough skin to be in the world we live in. But it's hard to watch your little guys feeling be hurt.
But just this last week the boy came and asked Riker to play (it has been about 2 months since the other incident). Of course Riker was ready and willing to play with him. So I know he is forgiving and ready to be nice and play with anyone. Sounds like Julian is the same way :)
I may not understand (yet) this situation since it hasn't happened, but I empathize with you, Kim. Poor Julian and poor Momma having their feelings hurt. I'm so sorry.
The only advice I have to offer is what I would hope I would do in the situation, and that would be to make t a leaning opportunity for Julian. Like Sarah said above, be honest with him rather than make excuses for the other kid and in doing so help Julian understand the importance of treating everybody nicely and with respect. I think Julian already understands the concept of being polite and being nice (hence the "but I'm a nice boy."), but it's just another teaching moment you can have with him.
I have been thinking about this ever since I read it. It's so sad that kids have to be slapped with reality at such young and innocent ages. With that said, I think it is important to use these "rejections" as teaching moments. Like Sarah said, you can point out that these kids aren't being nice in cases of rudeness and mean looks and such. However some kids are painfully shy. I was not comfortable talking to unfamiliar peers until middle school and sometimes I still struggle with it. It appears Brennan might follow in my footsteps. I certainly wasn't trying to be rude by not speaking back when I was spoken to. So I guess you can try to evaluate the other kid's motives and talk to J on a case by case basis.
Your post has made me think a lot about my own actions and feelings. I can only choose how I will respond to another person. I have no control over how they respond to me. When people are rude/mean/inconsiderate/hurtful I have to remember that as long as I'm trying to be nice, it is no reflection of me or my self worth. So make sure J knows that as long as he is being nice he is doing the right thing that it is the other person choosing not to do the right thing.
How sad that you are having to teach him this. Another approach you could take is to bop those mean kids on the head!!! How dare they hurt sweet J's feelings!
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