Buckets Full of Tears

I know some may already know, but here's a bit of the story (yes, just a bit! I know it's long!):

Background:
On March 12, 2009, my OBGYN confirmed my deepest fear when he informed us, after reviewing the results of extensive medical tests, that Stace and I had a grim future ahead of us in the baby-making department. How grim? “Less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant” are words I knew I’d never forget. We, together, have a laundry list of infertility problems. It’s been a rough last few months, to put it gently. So many thoughts went through my mind, including the truth that no feeling has ever felt more real to me in my life, nor more tangible, than my deep desire to be a mother. I’ve literally cried buckets full of tears throughout this. All around me, people were getting pregnant. While I was sincerely happy for them, I couldn’t push the lingering questions from my mind: “what’s wrong with me?” Heart-wrenching. You know…the thoughts you know you shouldn’t have, but can’t help thinking all the same. I spoke with another woman who has been through the same thing and she said "yep! those are the games you play in your mind when this happens!" Like...“I know Heavenly Father blesses based upon obedience. Maybe everyone else is just more obedient than me.” And then the tears would roll.

Now, ever since we were given these chances, we knew we would be parents, someway, somehow, either via in vitro fertilization or adoption, both of which are commonly incredibly lengthy processes. I knew that my Heavenly Father was very aware of Stace, mine and our families’ heartaches over this. When the first tears started to fall about half an hour after the doctor told us the news (after I had time to process what he’d said), Stace softly said “Kim, Heavenly Father made our bodies this way for a reason. We will know one day. It will all work out.” I knew my sweet husband was so right. I knew that we are here in this life to experience trials—that life is not supposed to be easy. This brought comfort to me, knowing this was all part of the journey.

Part of my journal entry the day after we got this news:
“He knows our situation, and He is in control. I know He knows that I love children and delight to be with them. I know He knows I truly reverence motherhood. I know He knows how much I long, and always have longed, to be a mother. A part of me just wants to scoop little Riley or Kate (examples of my friends’ children) into my arms and love them and tell them how special they are and help them to know how much they are loved…and it makes me ache inside to think that I won’t ever be able to do that to my own children. But I know all is safely is His hands and that He will guide my life and all will be as it should.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t cried a thousand tears since yesterday. I’m grateful for what Elder Pace said a couple weeks ago in stake conference: “trials will sanctify & purify us if we turn to Him.” I know that’s true. I’ve felt His love surround me with great strength and in a beautiful way since we got this news.

Yesterday after the appointment, I had an impression:
Truly the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. Every single person is a beloved child of God who He knows and loves completely. And He put those people on the earth at a specific time for a specific purpose. When it is the right time for us to be parents to one or many of His children, it will be according to His time and plan.
I told this to Stace last night and he expanded on that thought. He said that Heavenly Father places (or, He surely must place) each of His children on the earth at the period of time when they will have the greatest likelihood for success. He surely must do this because He loves all of His children so much and wants us all to return to Him."

Fast-forward:
We moved to Gainesville on May 4th and it then became my life’s mission to conquer this trial. Before I got a job, I told myself, I was going to figure out our next step. This would be my job. I called an infertility specialist and set up an appointment for June 3. In the back of my mind, there was a post-it note with a reminder penciled on it to just take an at-home test right before my appointment just in case that itsy bitsy less-than-1% chance to get pregnant pulled through.

Saturday, May 30 was my birthday. I filled up a bucket full of tears that day. How many more birthdays would come and go before I would actually get to be a mother? And what about anniversaries? Stace and I were married nearly three years ago. How badly I desired to hold my own baby in my arms. To know that was only wishful thinking was crushing. Two days later, June 1, I filled up another bucket full in the morning. I called and talked to my friend Katie for some consolation.

With all of these buckets full of tears, I noticed myself being incredibly emotional. I had two days before my specialist appt, so right after I got off the phone with Katie, I walked into a Walgreen’s and bought the cheapest pregnancy test I could find, took it at my apartment complex’s business center bathroom, and

what?! Is that a plus sign?!

It must have been a faulty test, I told myself…not wanting to get my hopes up. I called Stace at work and said “I don’t know how to say this, but I just took a pregnancy test and it is positive…” We were both skeptical. Stace told me to go get a more reliable, reputable brand test. So as Stace searched the internet for all the reasons there could be false positive results, I went to the store and got two EPT tests for $12. I took them home, and lo and behold, another positive! At this point, being in such disbelief, I tried to find a place which would offer me a free blood test, but to no avail. I called my doctor in Tallahassee (I don’t have one yet in Gainesville), and the nurse showered me with “Congratulations!” although I was very hesitant to accept them. I wanted to say “no! stop! Don’t say that!” I wanted so much to be excited, but I couldn’t risk the heartache of getting my hopes up, only for them to be torn down. She told me to cancel my infertility appt. Next I called my brother, Chris, an OBGYN in Pensacola, and asked him how in the world this could be! He, too, assured me I was pregnant, after now having taken an additional (and digital) test—so three total. I asked him if it would be possible for me to drive up to see him so he could do an ultrasound on me, since there was no way I could wait until I could get into see a dr. He said “you’re going to drive all the way from Gainesville?” and I said, “Chris, I would drive all the way from Wisconsin!” He later said that depending on how far along I was (in my mind I’m thinking “if, I am, in fact, “far along” at all), we might not be able to see anything. I told him if that was the case then it would just be a fun trip to come see my brother, nieces, and sister-in-law. I hung up the phone at about 7:00 Monday night and began the journey.

That night I pit-stopped in Tallahassee (so I wouldn’t have to make the five-hour drive all at once) and stayed the night at my friend Katie’s. (After all, I couldn’t stay with my parents or my in-laws…if I was in fact pregnant, we wanted to be able to surprise them!) The next morning I took a fourth test…pregnant?! Could this really be real?
I drove the remaining three hours to Pensacola and waited patiently with my sweet nieces and sister-in-law until Chris called and told me to come in to see him. I was exhausted from not sleeping barely at all the night before (so many thoughts going through my head!) so I took a nap while I waited. Then Beth came in and woke me & told me he was ready for me to come. I arrived at his office at about 4:30 and he led me into the ultrasound room.

I sat on the chair and he put the jelly on my tummy, and then he went and turned the light off and I said “Chris! This is so weird!” and he said “what?” and I said “I just never thought I would be sitting in this chair for at least four or five more years after fertility treatments and such!” He laughed and put the machine on my tummy as I watched the screen, hoping to see something but scared I wouldn’t see a thing. On my drive up to Pensacola I kept praying that we would be able to see something if there was, in fact, someone to see. I said “oh please let there be something!” Then Chris moved the machine around a bit and said the sweetest words I’ve ever heard:

“Do you see the little feet?”

I put my hand over my mouth; eyes glued to the screen and just started bawling. I could not believe my eyes. There were the little feet! And I was seeing little arms and fingers! It was real! Chris said “aw, Kim” and gave me the biggest longest hug and I just cried and cried. A few more buckets full. Then Chris proceeded to measure the sweet little baby inside of me. I had been shocked that he or she was not merely a peanut or some figure I couldn’t quite discern: the body parts were quite clear! How far along was I?!

13 weeks and 2 days! WHAT?!

I called Stace right after I left the room, and just cried as I told him “baby! I saw our baby!” He was sooo excited!! He could not believe it! And he wanted to be there so badly. He just laughed and laughed with excitement...I wish I could have seen his face when I told him!

This is all so crazy! It’s like I’m experiencing the best dream I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I am just waiting to wake up and come back down to the reality that Stace and I can’t get pregnant. Now, don’t get me wrong: I have always swayed more towards the optimistic side of life, but when you’re told you have a less than 1% chance of ever getting pregnant…well, it really breaks your heart into a million pieces. And then to have that broken heart day-in and day-out for nearly three months, well…it’s just so hard to believe that there is truly a sweet little child inside of me. For anyone else out there who may be experiencing this or similar issues, please know to never give up hope! Most importantly, never ever give up on Him. He will never give up on you, and He will be your strength each day as you battle through the emotions. Know that truly all IS safely in His hands and that you can turn to Him always for comfort and peace. I am so grateful for this experience. It brought me closer to Him. I was at peace with the fact that this would be one of my life's trials, as we are all here to experience them.

We had the best weekend ever telling our families and giving thanks to our Father in Heaven for this, the greatest blessing He could ever give us, as it is the greatest blessing He could ever give to any and all couples. I filled up another bucket full, by the way, this past Sunday. There were three baby blessings, and we sang two of my all-time favorite hymns: "Because I Have Been Given Much" and "I Stand All Amazed." I do stand all amazed. I am so grateful. I am filling up another bucket full...


First belly pic: 13 weeks and 6 days!

Love in my tummy (or as Natalie perfectly put it "Baby love!")

The baby is the size of a peach:)

Frame we gave to Stace's parents to tell them the news

Frame for my mom to tell her the news. All of her grandchildren:)

My sweet little baby!