Ready

This is a bit personal, but I am in the mood to write tonight, and my blog is private...so, technically...it's not like I'm sharing with the "whole world":). 

I always wanted to have my children close together. I mean, always...as far back as I can remember. My best friend since kindergarten is only a year younger than her brother, and growing up I always wished I had a big brother like that to be my best friend, my playmate, my "protector" as Brian was, and still is, for Amelia. Since it was not an option for me, I made a mental note, even at the tender age of maybe 7 years old, that one day when I was a mommy, I would have my babies close together just like Brian and Amelia. So blessing of blessings and miracle of miracles, I had a baby boy and 21 months later I had a baby girl!  Just what I'd always wanted:) 

After Ella Grace was born, I had more internal struggles/ feelings of guilt than I could have possibly bargained for. I hated feeling like I could never be as attentive to her as I had always been for Julian...my attention was divided and I felt so much guilt that I couldn't give to her what I was able to give to Julian when he was her age. Mom guilt is a thing. And I have experienced my fair share of it. As a mom, you (or I, rather) constantly replay in my mind what I could have done better or should have done differently. And right when Stace and I feel like we've got this whole parenting thing down, something blows up in our faces, and the parenting method we finally perfected in one area is now rendered useless. Thus we are constantly adapting and trying to keep up as we try to raise good, honest, well-mannered, well-rounded, and compassionate people.

Another thing I always wanted, besides having my children close together, was to have a big family. Yet, there have been some days in my life as the mother of two where I have felt so totally overwhelmed, so totally inadequate, so totally in-over-my-head that the mention of having more babies seemed like utter crazy-talk. (Back when I only had one baby, an acquaintance of mine- a mother of two- told me she wasn't sure if she could handle more than the two she had...I remember thinking that was crazy. Shame on me. My how the paradigm shifts when we go from no children, to motherhood, and then to more children...!:) I hated that if Julian wanted me to play a game with him, I wasn't able to because Ella Grace wanted me I hold her, or vice versa (except with EG it'd most likely be that she'd want to color☺), and so either way I would end up disappointing one of my children, and I couldn't be there for each of them 100% like I so wanted to be. 

But at the same time, being that I've wanted a big family for so long, the idea of only having two children seemed so much more preposterous to me than anything else! So the idea of having more than two being crazy never lingered for too long-- I've wanted lots of kids for far too long to let a few bouts of overwhelmedness (apparently I made that word up) blow that dream of lots of children away. So for a long time (at least it seems like it to me, since it is almost all I can think about sometimes) I've been going back and forth on when to add another child to the family. For a while my feelings on the subject have switched frequently from "yes! For sure! It's time!" To "oh wait, maybe not?" Having a baby is a monumental decision (one, by the way, I never exactly had to plan for before-- **so this whole "planning and praying about the timing" thing is new to me** because it just happened after being told that it wouldn't), and I wanted to not feel like I was rushing anything. I wanted to feel a really good confirmation in my heart of yes, it is time. While I want my kids close together in a big family, I also want to be able to be there for each of them, individually and as best as I possibly can, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically always, for the rest of my life. In short, the decision of when to add another baby has not been one we have taken lightly. 

Stace gave me a priesthood blessing on all of this and the words in it brought so much peace and comfort to my heart. How grateful I am for the priesthood on the earth. I had just finished pouring my heart out (inaudibly) at my bedside to my Father in Heaven, expressing to him my concerns and desires for another baby, and afterwards I went in the other room and asked Stace to give me a blessing. In it, he addressed each of the concerns I'd just shared with Heavenly Father. That morning my home truly felt like the temple, or how heaven must feel...the feelings of love from above were palpable. In the blessing I was assured, among other things, that Heavenly Father has carefully considered the timing of each addition to my family; that He is ultimately in control, and that He will bless me to be "a good mom...a great mom, regardless of the amount of children" I have.  

You know what has happened as the days and months have gone on?  The mom guilt has become less prevalent and I have been able to accept and, yes, even feel good about, my abilities as a mother.  I love my children with all my heart, and they love me. We have fun together every day, and there is no shortage of hugs and kisses in this house.  Of course new struggles arise, like Ella Grace's newfound love of the word "No!" and the sassypants she seems to put on every day;) but now, after all those mixed emotions and ups and downs, I feel good and at peace and EXCITED about bringing a new baby into this crazy Sirmans household!  I can't even wait!

With all that being said, we've been trying to get pregnant for several months now. If we were doing things the way we did before, I would be having another baby this month. Yet here I sit with another negative pregnancy test and trying to fight the feelings of sadness. And I feel guilty and selfish (again, with the guilt!) to have the gall to feel sad when I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids, according to the doctors, and when so many women are not able to have children, and yet in the other room are the two most beautiful children I have ever laid eyes on ("there is only one *or two* most beautiful child in the world, and every mother has it." -Chinese proverb☺); so why should I be feeling the least bit sad when I have so much already to be grateful for?!

But I can't shake the desire I have for more children (*close together*), and I feel like Heavenly Father endorses that desire. So I'm ready to get the show on the road!

There is also the added stress of knowing that the later we get pregnant, the closer to our move date I could be having a newborn. If we get pregnant next month, I'll have the baby at the end of March...and we'll likely be moving in May!! I thought last month was really our last comfortable month to get it done...so getting pregnant next month or afterwards means I'm potentially setting myself and my family up for major stress. But no matter...I know Heavenly Father has already carefully considered this. So Stace and I will do our part and we'll pray that whatever happens, it will be His will. His plans are always the best ones, after all. But if you wouldn't mind, and if you think of it, I would be grateful for any prayers you'd be willing to offer in our behalf for another healthy, happy little baby to grace our presence soon(er rather than later:)