Part of me doesn't feel the need to share the innermost workings of my brain & heart with the world. But on the other hand, there is a part of me that sometimes wants to express what's really on my mind that day, that I'm literally at my wits end, that I cried myself to sleep last night because I was not feeling nearly like the mother I want to be, that I am feeling inadequate in almost every facet of my life...but giving the reasons behind those thoughts would leave the door open to judgment and criticism...and would leave me preoccupied with wondering what people think about what I wrote, and the potential for hurt feelings. Why would I want to take that chance? ha. And I don't think that makes me a coward. I don't think there's anything in the fine print when you agree to create a blog saying you have to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. See. Right there. I cringed typing that because I don't want people to feel like if they do want to share good/bad/uglies that I condemn it. I certainly do not. I truly understand how it can be therapeutic and helpful. But I personally just don't go into the bad stuff...usually.
But therein lies a problem.
If I only post the good and happy things about my life, and I only post the amazing things that my children do, I see how it portrays to the world that either my life is perfect...or that my children are perfect, or...that I live in some delusion where I think my life & my children are perfect, and the absolute WORST thought: that I think I am perfect. HA! BLECH. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. That's so outrageously far from true.
I feel like in this age of the technology explosion, we are all losing touch a little bit with reality. We read each others blogs (& perhaps see each others Facebook statuses), and therefore we think we really know each other. I worry readers may think the real me is the one who is always smiling in the photos I post, without a care in the world because I have nothing ever to frown about. Not so.
Another worry is that I don't want to make anyone feel how I described my friend felt at the beginning of this post. She was feeling she didn't measure up based on comparing herself to the women who wrote the blogs she read. I found a "Disclaimer" today on a new favorite blog called "71 Toes" that I really related to. The author of the blog went to a retreat last year where the question was asked "what makes mothers spiral into depression or negativity?" and the overwhelming answer was "blogs." Says the author, "And that made me worry. Because I have a blog. And the last thing I want to do with it is depress people...The goal is certainly so very far from creating jealousy or comparison."
That's also the last thing I want to do...and the goal of this blog is certainly not to make people want to compare. And even there, I cringe a little bit typing this because if I write this, then I must think that my life seems perfect to blog readers, which is in and of itself arrogant.
On my blog, you see red, heart-shaped foods on Valentine's Day presented prettily on camera. What you don't see is that I was up 'til an embarrassingly indecent hour of the morning cleaning and taking way too long to prep such simple foods (I am so slow in the kitchen).
The "71 Toes" author continues, "the trouble with blogs is that we tend to accentuate the positive instead of the negative. It's human nature. And that's good, isn't it? The bad part is that we see that positive 'tip of the iceberg' that others are portraying and compare our worst to their best. That's human nature too. And that comparing is not good...
But life is good because I love it. And I'm thankful for it...especially when I break it down into moments. Especially when I slow down enough to enjoy the journey. And that's the kind of stuff I like to write about...So I guess this post is really meant to say that I've struggled with writing thoughts and feelings for the last while because I worry about making life sound like it's all hunky-dory around here when there are a million worries and concerns along with the good stuff." (And I'll add one bit to that: I also worry about writing about my concerns & inadequacies because though I don't take offense easily, I've always just been a sensitive person, and I don't want to open the door to the judgment and criticism.)
I could not have expressed my thoughts better myself. ha!
She goes onto say that she's just going to write about all of it from now on...the good, the bad the ugly. I don't know if I can say the same. I think for the most part, I'll keep to myself the fact that I accidentally stole something from Publix this morning, or the fact that I had people over a few weeks ago for dinner and completely FORGOT to put the dang piece of meat in the crockpot, and only realized it two hours before they arrived...(it was supposed to be in the pot for 4-6 hours on high)... Plus I just like to post about the happy things. I feel like that should be okay.
My failed attempt at a King Cake last week. Did you know that a King Cake is supposed to be circular? I didn't. Maybe if I knew that, maybe if I'd just Googled a dang picture of a King Cake before I started, I wouldn't have been so confused by the directions of how to shape the cake....
7 comments:
I think this is a great post. By posting about not wanting to post awful stuff you still achieved your goal: Your life's not perfect, and you wanna make sure everyone knows that. By the same token, you don't wanna bring everyone down (or, as you said, open yourself up to criticism- and really who DOES wanna be criticized?) Soo... you were honest about not wanting to be honest? (at least not all the time) lol
I'm like the author you mentioned: in my blog I write about it all- the good, the bad, the ugly. And I even have my own disclaimer right there on the blog "Everything you didn't want to know- that's why you didn't ask."
It is YOUR blog and you can write whatever you dang well please. Write what makes you feel good- and if you need to vent- write that too. I'd like to think that anyone who reads blogs (and definitely those of us who write them) knows that things aren't always great and things aren't always awful. Just like life.
PS: I totally almost stole something from the Dollar General once. I was halfway out the parking lot and turned back around with C.J. hollaring "Mama? Mama! What you doin?" It happens. *shrug*
Kim- you're awesome for writing this and for focusing on the positive in life!! Keep at it girl!!
I too "stole" something from Publix once. I realized when I got home and was looking over my receipt that I hadn't paid for my fountain soda. I really didn't feel like going all the way back to the store to pay the $1.39 (and waste more than that in gas) so I decided I would pay for it the next time I went. The next week when I was checking out I asked the cashier to ring up my soda twice because the week before it hadn't made it onto the belt somehow (I was super pregnant and juggling a toddler so it's no wonder). All of that just to tell you--it happens!!
Kim, I think you ARE perfect. Why? Because even on a bad day you admit your part in why it's bad. You fall, as we all do, but YOU try hard not to dwell on it and brush the dirt off your knees, put a bandage on your "owie" so you'll heal and try not to fall again. And if you do, you say, "I did it again! Dang it!" And you set your course in a different direction. You post pictures of your imperfections - not that I knew what a King Cake is supposed to look like nor taste like - but I thought it was just perfect because I could tell you made it with all the love of your heart! Your blog, to me, is about your love of your family, friends and the Gospel. You don't dwell on the bad because that's not you. (see my earlier comment about brushing off the dirt & bandages...) You just keep posting about whatever you want. Of course you think your kiddos are perfect - what loving mother doesnt think her kiddos aren't perfect!?! Of course you think you have the perfect hubby - again, what loving wife doesnt think she has the perfect hubby!?! I know i have a perfect hubby & kiddos!!! :-) If an imbecile takes offense, they can just stop reading your blog. That easy. :-) This is after all YOUR BLOG!
I love YOU!!!
You're genuine thoughts are just as significant and worthy of record my friend. Thanks for sharing these. I love you and appreciate you. Just thought you should know.
You are wonderful Kim. We ALL have our struggles and there is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping them to yourself. It's your blog, write what you want. Also, if someone wants to judge/criticize you that's their problem and they are dumb dummy heads. :0)Don't let fear keep you from being your self!
I love that you were brave enough to share these thoughts. Makes me want to write a similar blog post. We all have struggles and pains, but don't want to broadcast those. You are a beautiful person, Kimberly, and not because you are so photogenic ... Because you are such a caring wife and mommy. You radiate the light of Christ. I love ya.
Great post. I just respect the fact that you have the courage to even blog. I attempted to start one a few years ago and out of my own insecurities didn't continue with it. I like reading your blog because of your positive attitude and attention to the cutesy details of every day life. You inspire me to take the time to do the little extras that make childhood magical for our kids. But I must say this entry's honesty, to me, is equally as inspiring just in a different way. It makes the mothers, like me, who do secretly compare ourselves to the "perfect blog moms" have a sigh of relief- that everyone has a bad day and that is OK, that is real life. But don't feel you have to reveal the ugly to be real- you just blog about what you want when you want and that is just as real as a blog that airs all their dirty laundry. I think the biggest thing a blogger can be is genuine and if you are that, which you are, than people can tell and they appreciate the sincerity in what you share your life.
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