Getting Personal.

I interrupt our regularly scheduled programming (of documenting Julian's birthday shenanigans) to tell you that tonight I am so grateful for friends. 

!!!

It's about to get personal up in here.  I think it will feel good to get this off my chest. Skip ahead if you'd rather just look at photos of my kids! :)

For a little while I've been in a bit of a funk. I have this problem where I tend to dwell on every. minute. detail. of what I'm doing wrong, what my kids are doing wrong (ie: what I'm doing wrong as a mom), what I said or didn't say right, what I did or didn't do quite enough or too much of, that I am too this and not enough that, that I'm not nearly as organized as I should be, that I'm not doing enough in this area of my life or that, that I think I have adult-onset amnesia (seriously...sometimes...all the time...I think my brain is just gone)...man...I could go on and on here. I stress over these things. And it's not that I'm a perfectionist. Anyone who has seen my sewing jobs, my house, my car (whoa!), etc, can tell you that. I don't know what it is, but sometimes my world *in my mind* just stops when I think I may have done or said something wrong.  I can't think straight until I do everything I can to make it right. If I don't try and fix it, it hangs over me like a cloud and just stays.

Yesterday a friend called me (she is in the picture below) and asked me how I was doing, and I told her "I'm doing okay. How are you?" She pressed further as to how I was doing, knowing my usual response would be "good!" or "great!" I alluded a little bit to what was going on, but stopped myself...not wanting to burden her with my mental problems (ha!). We talked for a while about other things, and said goodbye.  She called me back about ten minutes later and asked me a little bit more about how I was doing.  Then I lost it...tears were a-flowin'. This dear, sweet friend of mine talked with me for what seemed like may have been the entirety of my children's (and her's) nap times (and that is precious, precious time my friends), and just helped me feel so. much. better.  She was so loving, and so concerned.  She told me she's noticed how hard I am on myself...that I take my mistakes and the mistakes of my children so personally. She told me it's like my world comes crashing down around me when I think I may have possibly done something wrong, but that no one else has even noticed. She pointed out to me the things she loves about me, and talents she thinks I have that I have never considered, and told me to recognize them, cultivate them, and be grateful for them.  It meant so much that she cared so much about my well-being that she called me back, and wanted me to know she cares for me. 

I am so grateful for friends.

  November 2012 Temple Trip

Today was better. The kids and I went to an adorable "Jack and the Beanstalk" puppet show at the library (though Julian was the only child to stand up *in the front* to try and pop the bubbles the puppeteers sprayed, and he tried to give the giant from the rendition back his shoe for about ten minutes....standing in front of everyone....while I was in the back and I couldn't get him to stay with me...ah! I went up there a few times to pull him back or sit him down, but didn't know if that was right because it may have been more distracting for me to do that! :/)...should I have just left? He was one of the youngest kids in there, but there were a couple others his age who would stay in their moms' laps (though Ella Grace was also in mine), or stayed on their bottoms. I don't know....

Then this afternoon I felt like I was about to have a panic attack...for no apparent reason.  I've only ever had one panic attack in my life (I was in a haunted house in London...yeah, I don't do scary). But my chest felt tight and no matter how many times I tried to take a deep breath, the feeling wouldn't budge!  But I was still so pumped because I was about to go out with these lovely ladies...

 Oh. my. goodness. 

I haven't laughed that much in too long.  I am so grateful for good friends, near and far. These three girls are some of my very favorite people here in Gainesville, and well, in my life, too!  They were the best medicine.  We talked and laughed for three hours, and were the last ones to leave the restaurant. Plus, we realized going out without our husbands gets us free stuff & discounts from waiters! ha! ;)

I read yesterday that among several attributes, the happiest people have/nurture deep relationships and friendships (Steven R. Covey).  I thought about my amazing friends back in Tallahassee, and those who have moved away (most recently...MAC Attack...sad face). I know I have sooo much room to improve when it comes to keeping up with friendships. If you are one of my BFF's...or even if you are just an acquaintance, please know that I love you so much. I hope I haven't made you feel like I don't love you because I do stink at keeping in touch.  This time in our lives is just so busy.  I feel like I am pulled in 1,000 directions, but don't we all?  Especially us moms with babies and toddlers.

But know this, if you are someone I have called friend in my life, you are still so special to me, and I do think of you often, in between wiping poop and snot off of toilets and walls, and scraping dried play-doh off tables and walls, and the never ending piles of laundry and, and, and...

The point of this post is really just to express gratitude for my friends.  When I'm in a funk (which thankfully doesn't happen too terribly often), I never want to face anyone. I just want to be by myself and deal with it on my own, but the girls in these pictures and many others all have helped me realize tonight, or at one time or another, that it is so much better to shake it off with friends.

PS: Right after I said goodbye to my friends tonight, I got an email that was just perfect timing. How fitting this quote from my bishop in our weekly ward email:

"When everything is going against you, remember that an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it!" -Henry Ford
"How often we wish for a trouble-free life and tend to lament the challenges we face each day, when it is working through resistance and obstacles that serves to make us stronger. This life offers no hope for a trouble-free existence, BUT, through the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, we are given the tools with which to forge a productive and worthy result each day. As we overcome each challenge our strength increases, along with our attitude. If we labor with all our might, and exercise every particle of faith in the Lord, He will make up the difference and we will be triumphant in all things!"  
-Bishop Lowry

I love my Bishop.  If all people were a little bit more like he and his wife, this world would be  a much better place.