Just Let Me Cry...

Back in March when we were given "the news," we just so happened to have planned to leave town that same day for a mini vacation to Orlando. Friday morning we went to the temple, and there I was blessed with one of the most meaningful spiritual experiences of my life...if not the most. I left the temple that day knowing that Heavenly Father was more than aware of my heartache, and I left with a deeply-implanted-on-my-heart reminder of His unending love and concern for me. I felt as though He was right there with me while I was in the temple, comforting me as the tears streamed down my face. I wanted the joy of motherhood so badly, and yet the day before I had been told I would likely not be receiving that joy...at least not anytime soon. It crushed me.

Afterward I got a treat at the bookstore, the latest CD by one of my all-time favorite artists, Hilary Weeks, called "If I Only Had Today." I popped the CD in when we got in the car and thoroughly enjoyed tracks 1 and 2, but then when track 3 came on, I wondered how in the world Hilary Weeks had been able to write words and music that went along with EXACTLY how I was feeling. Seriously...how did she know? I wasn't sure of the answer, but goodness gracious was I grateful she did. The song was therapeutic and comforting to me as I listened. My poor husband was so patient as I replayed the song over and over again, and just cried and cried. He just let me cry.

Fast forward to March 31st: I went on a temple trip with the youth and ever since then I absolutely. HAVE. NOT. been able to find that beloved CD. It has been (and especially had been) driving me nuts, and just recently I succumbed to the fact that I would never see it again, especially after having moved since I last listened to it.

Well, this morning I decided to do Stace a little favor after I dropped him off at UF (he is proctoring an all-day exam). I thought I'd clean out his trunk for him, and in the midst of doing so I found my CD!!! yaaaay! I am so excited! So this morning as I do laundry and work on my scrapbook, I am listening to the CD again. When track 3 came on, my heart and mind were flooded with memories of the feelings I had the last time I heard that song...

I know I've written a lot about this, but lately I have been worried that I am taking this blessing too much for granted...that I've forgotten how painful it was. Time and again since we announced we were pregnant, friends and family members have talked to me about the pain, frustration and heartache they are feeling because of infertility issues. It happened again just a couple days ago. I was reminded of the pain. While I don't want to be sad (it's not that at all), I don't want to be ungrateful, and I want to retain the ability to empathize with others.

So I will rejoice in this precious blessing, and in rejoicing, I will remember how badly I once ached for it. And I will pray for those who are waiting for their miracles. Not only will I pray that they will receive their miracles, but also that they will know that their lives truly are in His hands, and He loves them dearly and incomparably. If you are one of these beautiful people to which I am referring, please remember that He has not and will not forsake you. There is a lesson to be learned through every trial...probably infinite lessons to be learned from each one. That doesn't mean it is not supposed to hurt...that you're not allowed to cry.

I just wanted to tell you I love you, and remind you of His love for you too.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected.
And we're forced to face our deepest pain.
And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under,
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground.
Still at times, the hurt inside grows stronger,
And there's nothing I can do but let it out.

So just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
So just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me,
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling,
And I know, in time, He'll take the pain away,
But for now

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I've felt joy! The kind that makes my heart want to sing!
So my tears are not a surrender,
I''ll feel that way again.
But for now, for this moment...

Just let me cry.
I know it's hard to see,
But the pain I feel isn't going away today.
Just let me cry
Until every tear has fallen.
Don't ask when, and don't ask why,
Just let me cry.

I believe that everything happens for a reason..."